Ups & Downs

Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

"Life is full of ups and downs" is what I tell myself when I'm in a slump. I find it helps me broaden my perspective and get unstuck when I find myself paralyzed by the effects on mental illness. If you're a fellow sufferer then you know the vicious cycle of feeling so shitty you can't seem to do anything proactive to change your situation which in turn makes you feel even more useless and shitty.

This cycle pretty much sums up my past week. I'm writing this post from my chip crumb filled bed and wearing my depression pants that really needed laundering 5 days ago. So, what happened? I was implementing a really consistent self care routine and starting to reap the benefits, then BOOM! I hit a wall.

First of all, I pushed myself too hard with working 12 hour days and making my Mummo's documentary. I didn't take the time to swim or meditate and my fibromyalgia flared up. Secondly, instead of stepping up my self care game, I let it slide completely. I started compulsively comfort eating, which made me even more tired. Being tired feeds my depression because I feel completely unmotivated to do anything beneficial for myself. Now I'm wallowing and feeling stuck, but you know what? I'm owning it because life is full of ups and downs and this is a down. Denying my feelings or feeling guilty about depression won't change what is. Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

Sure there are things out of my control, like other people's actions and the fact that I was born with a neurotransmitter imbalance, and these factors sometimes make it difficult to cope. However, there have been times when I have been able to "rise above" my circumstances and experience serenity, contentment and even happiness. I just have to remind myself that it's ok to have bad days or weeks or even months. Hell, I've had bad years...2016-2018 I'm looking at you, but I've also had moments of joy and experienced contentment because life is full of ups and downs.

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